Jilli: “Hey, you know that song about the blue jeans?”
Deb: “No.”
Jilli: “They play it on the radio all the time.”
Deb: “I don’t listen to the radio. I don’t have a car.”
Jilli: “Huh?”
Deb: “I don’t have a car, so I don’t listen to the radio.”
Jilli: “Just because you don’t have a car–I mean, there are other times you could listen to the radio.”
Deb: “Like when? When I’m walking down the street with my boombox on one shoulder?”

Deb: “Oh, was it on that “Fresh” radio station that only plays songs from, like 2001 but labels them “fresh”?”
Jilli: “Yes. You know how I love that station. I love seeing what they’re going to label as “fresh” next.”
Deb: “Fresh is…Drops of Jupiter by Train!”
Jilli: “They play that song ALL the time. Fresh is…Pat Benatar!”
Deb: “Fresh is…Rico Suave! With his hit, Rico Suave! It goes like this…Rico! Suaaaaaave.”
Dad: “I like that song.”
Deb: “…really?”
Mom: “What are we talking about?”
Deb: “Rico Suave.”
Mom: “What’s that?”
Jilli: “Fresh is…this doowop group! Oh, but they do play “You’re Beautiful” all the time, which is good, because Deb and I like to sing along in our best James Blunt impressions.” (switches to James Blunt voice) “You’re beutifu-hul!”
Deb: (In James Blunt voice) “There must be an a-hangel with a smile on her face…”
(Dad turns the radio on very loudly)
Deb: “I don’t think he likes it.”
Jilli: “That’s because you’re doing an excellent impression.”

Dad: “Oh, it’s that guy Amy has dinner with all the time. Jackson Browne.”
Jilli: “Didn’t he die?”
Mom: “No. Amy has dinner with him all the time.”
Deb: “Perhaps you are thinking of Andrew Jackson.”
(Jilli gives Deb a disgusted look)
Deb: “Just trying to help.”

A quote for Mets fans to appreciate:

It is the bottom of the seventh inning, and Dad and I are leaving the stadium, so we can hear everything going on but see nothing. Carlos Delgado has just been announced.
Crowd: “Ooooh….ahhhhhhhhhh!” (General noises of joy)
Dad: “Hey, I guess he just hit a homerun!” (pauses, thinks) “Or he just threw his bat at Aaron Heilman.”

Debra: “I’m glad I have an ipod now. I still think they’re going to take over the world and destroy us all. But now at least I’ll be at their right hand instead of standing futilely in the way.”

Miss California: “I’m pretty much an open book…”
Melissa: “‘I’m an open book, although I’ve never actually opened a book.’”

Melissa: “Why have they not gotten rid of the swimsuit part yet?”
Steph: “Because it’s about health and fitness.”
Melissa: “Then they should have their blood pressure taken!”

Announcer: “So, after the swimsuit round, we’re now going to trim our semifinalists down…”
Melissa: “Trim the fat. That’s exactly what they’re about to do.”

(Taylor is removing large, heavy textbooks alternately from a shopping bag and her bookbag and placing them in a large stack on the table in front of her. Finally, she is finished and has a pile of about seven giant books.)
Jilli: “Are you trying to reorganize them so the weight is distributed more evenly?”
Taylor: (despondent) “No. I’m just trying to find my gum!”

(Doing one of those “rate things to bring with you on a trip from most to least important” activities, the situation being an emergency landing on the moon two hundred miles from the intended landing location)
Lindsay: “I think the matches should be next.”
Taylor: “Me too.”
Jilli: “I rated them last, because there’s no oxygen on the moon.”
Lindsay: “But–we need the matches!”
Jilli: “How are you going to use them?”
Lindsay: “We have oxygen tanks…”
Jilli: “Oh, okay. You’re going to light the match inside the oxygen tank. That sounds great.”
Charles: “I ranked them pretty highly, also.”
Jilli: (clearly outvoted) “Fine. Fine. Matches will be next.”
Lindsay: “I think the pistols should be number 14.”
Taylor: “I think the pistols are least important. We should choose the condensed milk.”
Lindsay: “We need to defend ourselves!”
Jilli: “Against whom?”
Lindsay: “Maybe other people that have also accidentally landed in the wrong place.”
Taylor: “No.”
Jilli: “Or aliens.”
Taylor: “There are no aliens.”
Jilli: “Does it SAY there are no aliens?”
Taylor: “I think we should take the milk. What if we run out of food?”
Jilli: “Then we can use the pistols to shoot one of us and everyone else can eat that person.”
Charles: “I somehow think Jillian isn’t really committed to the pistols over the milk.”
Lindsay: “We need protection! What use is condensed milk?”
Taylor: “Fine.”
(A few minutes later)
Instructor 1 (to instructor 2, in a whisper): “Were they talking about aliens? Is that on the sheet somewhere?”
Instructor 2: “No. This was apparently more of a projective test than we thought it was.”

Melissa: “A gang is really more just a big group of friends.”

Melissa: “I was teaching my class at 10:55, and the principal came over the loudspeaker and announced that there would be an assembly in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr. at 11:00. So, okay, I figured it would be bad if the only white teacher kept her class from this assembly, so we leave the classroom and head to the auditorium. Now, there are three third grade teachers: Ms. ___, who thinks there are four continents; me; and Ms. ___, who was leading the assembly. So she said ‘Can anyone tell us why we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.?’ And [one of Melissa’s third-grade students] raised her hand, and went up to the front of the room and said ‘Because he led the Civil Rights Movement and fought for black rights.’”
Elise: “Awwww!”
Melissa: “And then Ms. ___ said, ‘No. The reason is because it is the third Monday of January.’”
Elise: “Are you SERIOUS?”
Melissa: “Completely. And then she said ‘I have a story about why it’s important to celebrate Martin Luther King. I read a scientific study recently–’”
Elise: “Oh NO.”
Melissa: “‘I read a scientific study recently, which said that black children use two percent of their brains, and Chinese children use six.’”
Elise: “Good lord.”
Melissa: “So she’s already comparing a racial group to a country. And then she says, ‘Do you know what that means? That means you have to use THREE TIMES AS MUCH of your brain.’”
Elise: “What does that even MEAN??”
Melissa: “And then we finished by singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to Martin Luther King, so now all my students think he’s still alive.”

Deb: “I don’t know what Chris is talking about. Queens College apparently has 115 majors.”
Jilli: “Yes, but how many are real majors and how many are made-up majors?”
Deb: “Made-up majors?”
Jilli: “Like marine philosophy.”
Deb: “Marine philosophy? Like, ‘Are there really whales?’”
Jilli: “I think, therefore…dolphins.”
Deb:”I think, therefore I swim.”

And another from our trip:

At 11:30 pm after approximately 14 1/2 hours of on and off heavy walking through theme parks
Deb: “Okay. How far away are we from the exit?”
Jilli: “It’s over there, right past the fake United Kingdom.”
Deb: “How long do you think it’ll take to walk back to the hotel?”
Jilli: “Normally? Ten minutes. In this condition? …who knows.”
Deb: “Okay, well–ow. Ow. OW.”
Jilli: “You okay?”
Deb: “My ankle just quit.”
Jilli: “What about your knee?”
Deb: “My knee quit yesterday. And again this morning around 9 am.”
Jilli: “I feel your pain. My back has been killing me since noon yesterday.”
(Steps down off an elevated road)
Jilli: “Oh! Well, there goes my thigh.”
Deb: “What happened?”
Jilli: “I have no idea, but there is shooting pain.”
Deb: “I can’t feel my foot.”
Jilli: “I can’t feel two of my toes.”
(Five minutes later, walking back to the hotel)
Deb: “You know what we should have done?”
Jilli: “What?”
Deb: “We should have taken one of those things with the wheels that goes ‘bing.’”
Jilli: “What?”
Deb: “You know! It has wheels! And it goes ‘bing!’ ‘bing!’”
Jilli: “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”
Deb: (frustrated) “Yes. You DO.”
Jilli: “…do you mean a BIKE?”
Deb: (happily) “Yes! A BIKE!”
(We laugh)
Jilli: “Oh! Don’t make me laugh!”
Deb: “I know. It hurts.”
Jilli: “No, you’re ruining my concentration!”
Deb: “For what?”
Jilli: “Walking!”

From our trip to Disney:

Monorail guy: “Hello! I am Chris and you are riding Monorail Orange. We are temporarily holding here awaiting further clearance. While we’re stopped, I’ll just make a few announcements. the Magic Kingdom is open tonight until midnight, with extra magic hours until 3 AM! I’ll be here! But WILL YOU?? And now for Mr. Voiceman, with our automatic holding spiel!”
Automated, recorded voice: “This monorail is temporarily stopped–”
(Monorail starts to move again, recorded voice is turned off)
Monorail guy: “Thank you Mr. Voiceman, that was VERY informative!”

Watching a soap opera in which two older people are making out
Deb: “EWWWW! I don’t want to see this! They’re old!”
Mom: “I don’t really want to see this either, and I like this show.”
Deb: “Ugh! Ugh!”
Character on show: “I can’t believe we’re necking in your car!”
Deb: “NECKING?? My god! Ugh! Turn it off!”
(later)
Deb: “Oh, let’s go back to the soap.”
Jilli: “You WANT to watch that?”
Deb: “They were necking! I wouldn’t want to miss them making whoopee!”

Deb: “Wait, what’s going on at 11?”
Dad: “It’s too cloudy, we won’t be able to–”
Mom: “No, on, let me–”
Deb: “Stop! What’s going on? Tell me!”
Mom: “Well, to the right of the moon…”
Dad: (repeating) “To the right of the moon…”
Mom: “To the right of the moon…”
Dad: (repeating again) “To the right of the moon…”
(Deb throws her hands up in annoyance)
Mom: “Jon!”
Deb: “Okay, okay. It’s to the right of the moon. Got it. WHAT is to the right of the moon?”
Mom: “Jon, you make it very difficult to–”
Dad: “I was helping!”
Mom: “You were being obnoxious.”
Dad: “That too.”
Mom: “Okay.”
(Deb wanders into the other room, still listening)
Mom: “Tonight, Mars will be brighter than–”
Jilli: (pointing at the TV) “Puppies!”
Mom: (Also looking at the TV) “Puppies! They’re so cute!”
Jilli: “They look like they’re made of terrycloth!”
(Deb storms back into the room, exasperated)
Deb: “Mars will be brighter than puppies? What the hell does that mean? Why does this family TALK IN MAD LIBS??”

Deb: “Oh, are we listening to the radio station playing Christmas music again?”
Dad: “Yeah. I like it.”
Deb: “I like it, too!”
Jilli: “Brendan’s the only person in this car who actually celebrates Christmas.”
Deb: (to Brendan) “You and your stupid Christmas.”
Jilli: “No, Deb. Christmas is a holiday filled with joy for everyone. It’s just that for us, it is filled with joy and Chinese food.”
Deb: “Oh, right. Chinese food is joyous!”
(song comes on)
Deb: (Confused) “This is not a Christmas song. This is–”(Deb is interrupted as the singer says the word “Christmas”) –”Oh. I guess Christmas is in it.”
Jilli: “Yeah, I think any song that mentions Christmas counts. When I was driving with dad yesterday, they were playing Wham.”
Deb: “I guess that makes sense. If you’re going to play only Christmas songs, you’d run out pretty quickly.”
Jilli: “There are actually a lot of them, though.”
Deb: “Yeah, but they have to play them all the time.”
Jilli: “I guess.”
(A few minutes later, a song starts)
Jilli: (incredulous) “I don’t believe it. It’s Wham again! What is this, on their top rotation? It’s not even a Christmas song! It’s Wham!”
Debra: “But it mentions Christmas every chorus!”
Jilli: “That doesn’t make it–”(thinks)“Okay. So any song that mentions Christmas is now a Christmas song that can be frequently played on this station?”
Deb: “Sure.”
Jilli: “So if I were to take, say, a Kanye West song, and insert the word ‘Christmas,’ that would be a Christmas song suitable for play on this station.”
Deb: “You mean like, ‘I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Christmas?’ Because you have to use another word to cover up the word they can’t say on the radio, and ’she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke’ is just dumb.”
Jilli: “No, I love the ‘broke, broke.’ It’s so stupid that it’s great. I was going to go with ‘I ain’t sayin’ she’s a Christmas gold-digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke.’”
Brendan: “Wait, why is it ‘broke, broke’?”
Deb: “That’s what they changed it to so that they could play it.”
Brendan: “That’s dumb.”
Deb: “I always thought they should have made it ‘but she ain’t messin’ with no broke hard-working African American.’”
Jilli: “How about ‘I’m Bringing Christmas Sexy Back?’”
Deb: (sings) “I’m bringing Christmas back!”
Jilli: “Oh, oh. It should go, ‘I’m bringing Christmas back. Ho!”
(Deb laughs)
Deb: (singing) “Christmas babe…”
Jilli: (also singing) “I really want to be your reindeer slave…”
Deb: (still singing) “I’ll frankincense you if you misbehave…”
(Entire car cracks up)
Deb: “But they won’t like the ‘ho!’”
Jilli: (doing a Justin Timberlake impression) “It’s what Santa SAYS, yo!”

Deb: “I TRY not to laugh at people right in front of them, but they’re just so dumb sometimes. Like on the cruise, this guy went up to a waiter that was clearly of Middle Eastern descent, and he was like, ‘Can I have some leche?’ And the waiter just stared at him, and the guy was like, ‘Leche? Leche?’ and the waiter said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand…” and the guy says, ‘What? I’m calling it leche! That’s what your people call it!’”

Mom (watching Jilli put on her wrap-around earmuffs) “Oh, Jilli. You cannot wear those out with a boy.”
Jilli: “What? The earmuffs?”
Mom (making a face): “Yes.”
Jilli: “You got me these!”
Mom: “Yes, but…”
Jilli: “Would you rather I wear my Mets ski cap?”
Mom: “Absolutely not. That thing is ridiculous.”
Jilli: “So I can’t wear anything? My ears will be cold!”
Mom: “You’ll live.”
Jilli: “But–”
Mom: (frustrated) “Would you work with me, here?!”

Deb: “She’s the most evil lady ever.”
Kris: “She IS. She’s pure evil.”
Deb: “I call her Icecrotch. Anyway, I had to do this interview with her once, so I called her–”
Kris: “Well, that was your mistake. You should have drawn a pentagon on the floor and said, ‘I summon thee’ three times.”