Deb: “Oh, are we listening to the radio station playing Christmas music again?”
Dad: “Yeah. I like it.”
Deb: “I like it, too!”
Jilli: “Brendan’s the only person in this car who actually celebrates Christmas.”
Deb: (to Brendan) “You and your stupid Christmas.”
Jilli: “No, Deb. Christmas is a holiday filled with joy for everyone. It’s just that for us, it is filled with joy and Chinese food.”
Deb: “Oh, right. Chinese food is joyous!”
(song comes on)
Deb: (Confused) “This is not a Christmas song. This is–”(Deb is interrupted as the singer says the word “Christmas”) –”Oh. I guess Christmas is in it.”
Jilli: “Yeah, I think any song that mentions Christmas counts. When I was driving with dad yesterday, they were playing Wham.”
Deb: “I guess that makes sense. If you’re going to play only Christmas songs, you’d run out pretty quickly.”
Jilli: “There are actually a lot of them, though.”
Deb: “Yeah, but they have to play them all the time.”
Jilli: “I guess.”
(A few minutes later, a song starts)
Jilli: (incredulous) “I don’t believe it. It’s Wham again! What is this, on their top rotation? It’s not even a Christmas song! It’s Wham!”
Debra: “But it mentions Christmas every chorus!”
Jilli: “That doesn’t make it–”(thinks)“Okay. So any song that mentions Christmas is now a Christmas song that can be frequently played on this station?”
Deb: “Sure.”
Jilli: “So if I were to take, say, a Kanye West song, and insert the word ‘Christmas,’ that would be a Christmas song suitable for play on this station.”
Deb: “You mean like, ‘I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke Christmas?’ Because you have to use another word to cover up the word they can’t say on the radio, and ’she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke’ is just dumb.”
Jilli: “No, I love the ‘broke, broke.’ It’s so stupid that it’s great. I was going to go with ‘I ain’t sayin’ she’s a Christmas gold-digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke, broke.’”
Brendan: “Wait, why is it ‘broke, broke’?”
Deb: “That’s what they changed it to so that they could play it.”
Brendan: “That’s dumb.”
Deb: “I always thought they should have made it ‘but she ain’t messin’ with no broke hard-working African American.’”
Jilli: “How about ‘I’m Bringing Christmas Sexy Back?’”
Deb: (sings) “I’m bringing Christmas back!”
Jilli: “Oh, oh. It should go, ‘I’m bringing Christmas back. Ho!”
(Deb laughs)
Deb: (singing) “Christmas babe…”
Jilli: (also singing) “I really want to be your reindeer slave…”
Deb: (still singing) “I’ll frankincense you if you misbehave…”
(Entire car cracks up)
Deb: “But they won’t like the ‘ho!’”
Jilli: (doing a Justin Timberlake impression) “It’s what Santa SAYS, yo!”

Deb: “I TRY not to laugh at people right in front of them, but they’re just so dumb sometimes. Like on the cruise, this guy went up to a waiter that was clearly of Middle Eastern descent, and he was like, ‘Can I have some leche?’ And the waiter just stared at him, and the guy was like, ‘Leche? Leche?’ and the waiter said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand…” and the guy says, ‘What? I’m calling it leche! That’s what your people call it!’”

Mom (watching Jilli put on her wrap-around earmuffs) “Oh, Jilli. You cannot wear those out with a boy.”
Jilli: “What? The earmuffs?”
Mom (making a face): “Yes.”
Jilli: “You got me these!”
Mom: “Yes, but…”
Jilli: “Would you rather I wear my Mets ski cap?”
Mom: “Absolutely not. That thing is ridiculous.”
Jilli: “So I can’t wear anything? My ears will be cold!”
Mom: “You’ll live.”
Jilli: “But–”
Mom: (frustrated) “Would you work with me, here?!”

Deb: “She’s the most evil lady ever.”
Kris: “She IS. She’s pure evil.”
Deb: “I call her Icecrotch. Anyway, I had to do this interview with her once, so I called her–”
Kris: “Well, that was your mistake. You should have drawn a pentagon on the floor and said, ‘I summon thee’ three times.”

In Borders…
Elise: (holding up a Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendar)  “Oh, great, let’s reinforce patriarchy by adorning our walls with half-naked–”
(Dozens of Sports Illustrated swimsuit calendars fall on Elise’s head)

Filling out a crossword puzzle…
Jim: “Hmm… northwestern European power, _ _ _ M A N _ _ _ I R E.”
Elise: “Something Empire.”
Jim: (triumphantly) “‘Aleman Empire’!  It means ‘German Empire’.”
(Inserts “Aleman Empire”.  “Aleman Empire” is wrong.)
Jim: “Oh… or it could be ‘German Empire’.”

Jilli: “I don’t understand–I really don’t–why–for what purpose–” (pauses, gathers herself) “Why is there a life-size model of Alien in Key Food?”
Debra: “And more importantly, why is he selling plants?”
(Deb and I react to a huge Alien figure in our local Key Food, situated behind an orange crepe paper-wrapped table with plants on it)

Dr. Chisholm: (explaining her computer problems) “I stuck this thing in here, but I think there’s somewhere else I need to stick it. Hmm. That’s very Freudian.”

Jim: “You smell like brownies.”
Elise: “Thanks.”
(pause)
Elise: “You smell like ketchup.”
Jim: “THAT IS NOT AN EQUIVALENT COMPLIMENT!”

(Walking to get ice cream, Amy, Melissa, and Elise pass a man and a woman parting for the evening)
Man: “I’ll call you later.”
Woman: “Bye!”
Amy: “So, what do you guys think, friends or first date or significant others?”
Melissa: “Hmm, I don’t know. Friends?”
Amy: “I think it was a first date. Elise?”
Elise: “Oh, I wasn’t paying attention.”
Amy: “Okay. ‘I’ll call you later.’ Hmmm. It sounds pretty first-date-y to me.”
Melissa: “Based on my extensive dating experience… I think they’re married.”

(In their stateroom, preparing for dinner, discussing Sense & Sensibility)
Jilli: “Yes, Lady Allen of Allenham. Have you noticed that these estates always have regal names, often the same name as the person who lives there? You never hear of an estate being called, like, Bob.”
Deb: “Bob?”
Jilli: “Yes.”
Deb: “Bob the estate?”
Jilli: (affecting a high class British accent) “‘Ah, yes, I am Master of Bob.’ ‘Are you to inherit an estate?’ ‘Yes, I am to inherit Bob!’ ‘Come marry me, and we shall live on Bob.’”
Deb: “I want to live on Bob.”
Jilli: “Well, you shall be Mistress of Bob.”

Cameron the Bingo caller: “I 23, like the movie with Jim Carrey. Fantastic actor, Jim Carrey. Very subtle. Real range of emotions.”

(Jilli reaches for something and knocks it down; it lands with a huge metallic clattering)
Deb: “NOOOO! MY SNAPPLE CAP COLLECTION!”

Deb: “Hannah wanted to know the names of all the characters in the Beauty and the Beast poster. I was sort of tempted to tell her that the Beast’s name is Willie.”
Jilli: “Willie?”
Deb: “Yeah.”
Jilli: “Willie the Beast?”
Deb: “It’s a good name for him.”
Jilli: “I suppose it’s a better name than ‘Beast.’ But, somehow, less threatening.”

Jilli: “Let’s see if the bunny can get up the stairs all by herself.”
Deb: “She’s not a slinky, Jilli.”
Jilli: “What SLINKIES do you know that can go up stairs by themselves??”
Deb: “…oh.”

(Arriving at the rope swing, where three other boats full of people are already anchored)
Shannon: “We’re here! That was the fastest ride to the rope swing ever!”
(Grabs air horn out of glove compartment and sounds it. Everyone in the other boats looks over. Shannon sounds it again.)
Kevin: “Shannon, that’s a distress signal. It means we’re in distress.”
Shannon: (disheartened) “Oh. I thought it meant, like—” (happy voice) “Yaaaaay!”
(Kevin looks slightly exasperated, everyone in other boats continues to look at us)
Jilli: “They’re all turning to one another and saying, ‘Great, the assholes are here.’”

(Playing Mah Jongg)
Dad: “Oh, by the way, mom has put out some tiles.”
(silence)
Deb: “She did that three turns ago.”
Dad: “Really? How did I miss that??”
(Jilli, Deb, and mom exchange looks)
Dad: “Fine. Go ahead. Make mock.”
Deb: “…make MOCK?”

Dad: “Should we take the cake out of the fridge, so that it’s not too cold?”
Deb: “Why would we do that?”
Dad: “I don’t know.”
Jilli: “Is that a frequent complaint about cake? That it’s too cold? Because I don’t believe I’ve heard that one.”
Deb: “Apparently so.”
Jilli: “Well, I would have liked that cake, but it was so COLD.”

Melissa: “It’s like Pay it Forward, with bras!”

Kelly: “Nasjonalgalleriet.”
Elise: “What?”
Kelly: “I was trying to say the name of the museum on that poster.”
Elise: “Oh, I thought you had a stroke.”

Melissa: “I’m the Derrida of the hot dog world.”

(Looking at this photo)
Jim: “It’s like they were designed by some guy in Bulgaria who had heard of Sesame Street.”

(Over the phone)
Jim: “I saw this really cool video of a plant that eats bees. Let me send you the URL.”
Elise: (Who is phobic of bees and wasps) “No! I can’t look at bees!”
Jim: “It wasn’t a bee in the video, it was a fly.”
Elise: “Okay, fine.”
Jim: “Actually, I can’t find the video I was thinking of. I’ll find another one.”
Elise: “No bees!”
Jim: “Yeah, yeah. Oh, this one has a dragonfly.”
Elise: “I don’t like dragonflies, either.”
Jim: “Oh, come on.”
Elise: “Okay, fine, I’ll watch the video with the dragonfly.”
Jim: “Uh, the dragonfly is yellow- and black-striped like a bee.”
Elise: “Don’t send it to me!”
Jim: “Come on!”
Elise: “No! That’s too close!”
Jim: “Ugh, fine.”
Elise: “I saw a cicada killer today for the first time in ten years. I didn’t miss them.”
Jim: “What’s a cicada killer?”
Elise: “A wasp the size of your thumb. Google Image it, if you think you can stand it. I did it once and it was the worst decision I ever made.”
(Pause)
Jim: “Hey, remember that dragonfly? Turns out it was a cicada killer!”

(Figuring out who owes what for lunch)
Laura: “Oh…I only have…” (looks at Dan) “What do you have?”
Marc: “Oh, just forget about it.”
Laura: “No, that’s silly. Here.” (Gives Marc the money)
Marc: ‘No, no, just–just keep it.”
Laura: “Why?”
Marc: “I don’t know.”
Laura: “Just take it!”
Marc: “No, don’t worry about it.”
Laura: “Take it!”
Marc: “Well…okay.”
Laura: ” Because we stayed with you all weekend, and I wanted to get you something, but I didn’t have time, so…”
Jilli: “So instead, she’ll just pay for her own lunch.”